From Shame to Significance

Nobody wishes to be a product of an extra-marital affair. Yet, for over four decades, I suspected I might be one. My late mum used to take me along to visit an older man when I was in lower primary. He would touch me in a fatherly way that my dad would not. While my mum did not tell me to, I just knew not to mention those “outings” to my siblings and dad and kept them a secret till now. As I grew older, I thought that perhaps my mum would tell me the truth before she passed on, but she did not, and I also could not bring myself to raise the issue with her. Meanwhile, the suspicions remained…

In May 2016, I read about DNA paternity tests and decided to do them to verify my suspicions. My hands shook nervously when I held the test kit, which arrived in the mailbox from the UK. I had the choice then to forfeit the US$500 test fee, discard the kit, or proceed with the test. I did the test a week later as it was now or never, given my dad’s advanced age and his mild dementia. Unlike what is usually portrayed in Korean dramas, the most accurate way to collect samples for DNA paternity tests is by taking saliva swabs, not through toothbrushes or hair, as they are exposed to other elements. I felt terribly guilty when taking my dad’s saliva. It must be one of the cruellest things a child could do to a doting unsuspecting parent, but the desire for truth prevailed. I then waited anxiously for the results from the UK lab.

Three weeks later, I received the DNA results in an email on a working day. It said the alleged father (my dad) is excluded as the biological father of the tested child (me), and the probability of paternity was zero. I cried for a long while in the toilet in the office. I used to think I would be cool about it since my intuition told me my suspicions were probably right. But when my suspicions were confirmed, I was devastated by the truth.

My world collapsed. To cope with the painful truth, I had to back off from caring for my dad to process my own emotions. I knew I could not cope alone and attended Christian counselling and healing and deliverance sessions, where I learned to forgive my late mum and the older man. With God’s help and grace, I also resolved to continue loving and honouring my dad, who had raised me, loved and supported me through university, especially during financially challenging times. The painful truth was sometimes tough to keep, especially when my older sister clashed with my dad while caring for him when our helper was off. I had to resist the urge to blurt out the truth to protect my late mum and dad and preserve harmony in the family.

I struggled with issues of shame and betrayal. I also found it hard initially to believe that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14a) and that I am created for God’s glory (Isaiah 43:13). I was later assured by God’s word that I was not the sinful product of two people but that it is God who clothes me “with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews” (Job 10:11).

I am thankful to God for giving me the privilege to honour my dad by celebrating his 90th birthday and sharing God’s goodness and grace in his life with 100-odd family and friends in September 2017, a month before God relieved him of his physical suffering and took him home. It was part of the healing process to go through my parents’ old photos and show them during Dad’s birthday celebration.

I attended the Authentic Lives Workshop in January 2018. I hesitated at first but finally decided to share this painful past with a small group of strangers. I was so touched and moved to tears when a new friend, Yvonne, said she was inspired by my story to compose a song entitled “Beautiful Child” for me and was prompted by God to assure me He loves me because I am His and I am the reason that He died.

The Bible says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). I wondered then what good would ever come out of this shameful parentage and felt self-pity for being a victim. God answered me in early 2021 when Yvonne invited me to share my story as one of the four testimonies that would be featured in an online musical concert called “Miracles of Love” (爱到爆). I was shocked as I had never imagined I would ever share this personal story publicly. After some prayerful consideration, I agreed. The video was launched in June 2021. As my family is not aware of the matter, the MC shared my story under the pseudonym Hannah and the song “Beautiful Child” was sung by a local Christian artiste. I chose “Hannah” as she had initially struggled with the shame of childlessness. I am humbled that God could turn my brokenness into beauty and blessings for His glory.

I thank God for allowing me to share my story personally at a leaders’ conference in Taiping, Ipoh, hosted by a church in Penang in late October 2022. I was initially unsure if I wanted to be so vulnerable to a big group of strangers. However, I was glad I did, even though I was quite emotional when sharing it publicly in front of 30-odd strangers for the first time. I was amazed and awed to see how God could use my brokenness to minister to His people. I was touched when several sisters approached me with encouragement and warm embraces.

I am learning not to let the shame or circumstances of my birth define my identity or self-worth. As God heals me, I am beginning to see how He is using this pain for His glory, for the good of others, and for my personal growth in transforming me to be more like Christ—and even to advance the gospel. 

Hi Friends, if you are struggling with shame, betrayal, and unforgiveness towards those who have hurt us, I sincerely invite you to allow Jesus to share your pain and heal your wounded heart. Jesus has empowered and enabled me to forgive my late mum and care for my late dad until God took him home a year and a half after the DNA paternity results.

Without God, SHAME is Suffering, Humiliation, Anger, Misery and Embarrassment. But God has turned my SHAME to

S – I am Significant and Secure as a redeemed child of God;

H – God crowns us with glory and Honour (Psalm 8:5b);

A – God keeps me as the Apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8a);

M – I am Made in His image (Genesis 1:27); and

E – God has Engraved me on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:16a).

May you be blessed by our Creator God and Caring Father who turns our brokenness into something beautiful in His time. 

Indeed, as Bill Gauther’s song says, “Something beautiful, something good,

             All my confusion, He understood.

             All I had to offer Him,

             Was brokenness and strife,

             But He made something beautiful, of my life”.