Brokenhearted and Restored

To the anonymous writer of this poem:
Thank you
For taking the time to speak
To share your thoughts and emotions
On this breakup experience

I know it’s not easy for either of you
To be this honest, this vulnerable
Though we have no pictures, videos, or social media posts to share
You are writing this down
In the hope that your words
May provide counsel and wisdom
To a sister, brother, daughter, son…

The tears kept coming
Torrential initially
Nothing could stop them
It was as if my broken heart was pouring out rivers of grief and sorrow
No matter how much I tried to plug or mend
A leak always remained
Some days the leak oozed and dribbled
Other days it flowed continuously

I thought I’d be angry with him
For calling off the relationship
Yet I could not bring myself
To point an accusatory finger at him
To stick the rude digit at him
There was no anger or bitterness in my heart directed against him
How could I, after all the happy moments we’ve had together?

Those were real memories
Of sincere joy that we shared
I cannot deny the reality that we were a happy couple

The logical mind acknowledges the facts
That we had non-negotiable principles and matters
Neither of us was willing to budge on
They were tolerable for now
But would’ve caused significant strife and suffering
Had we chosen to walk together into marriage
Those facts I know well
I can even tell you that both he and I have dodged major bullets of future hurt

But the present hurt is undeniably real too

I feel the darkness envelop me at times
As my voice goes hoarse and my cheeks wet from tears
The pain is stifling
The despair is agonising
I weep not knowing if I can make it out of the darkness

Nobody sees the turmoil in my soul
Nobody knows the ache of loneliness I feel
Honestly sometimes I’m unable to see the point in living
But my lack of foolhardy decisiveness restrains me from ending my existence

Where is God in my pain?
Where is He who knows my suffering?
God, didn’t You say that You never leave me nor forsake me?
I stretch out my hands
Yearning for a touch
I can’t feel You, Lord
All I see is darkness and despair
The weeping of my soul fills my ears
I can’t go on my own

Don’t leave me to my sorrow, Lord
Don’t abandon me like how my ex did
Surely You see me in my sorrow
My sniffling, sobbing, snotty self is too loud to hide

I stumble and grapple
Waiting for God to answer
He always gives the best answers
Not always what I want, but definitely what I need
And I need You, Lord

The tears fall occasionally now
Far less than before
Sometimes they catch me by surprise
Triggered by flashback, a word or sentence
But in the end, the flood always subsides

I remember you, my dear sister
In your grief and pain
Oh how I long to hold you
And weep together so that you know you’re not alone

I remember you, the one my heart has loved
Your departure unleashed a sorrow I didn’t know I could feel
But rest assured I harbour no hatred towards you
Wishing you all the very best
Releasing you to the winds of life

I remember You, God
How You’ve always been there with me
In both day and night
Though often I’m tempted to give up
And follow another path away from You
How can I, after all that You’ve done in the past and present?
I know that You’re good
I have proof of that in the days past
Though my feelings betray that fact
My mind refuses to give in to illogical rebellion

Think for a moment in your depression, my friend:
If God is for you
And He loves you
And He’s unchanging in His ways
With nothing being out of His control
Is not turning your back on Him now
Akin to giving up on the very Person that is certain, true, and sure in this life?

I’m no statistician
And am atrocious at hedging bets
But I think it unwise
To disregard an unshakeable constant
In the midst of shifting variables

Yes, sadness and disappointment are palpable
I’m only human and have feelings
But God’s Presence is as, if not more real than my feelings
Even if He’s non-palpable at times

He brings refreshment to my weary soul
Healing to my crushed bones
Restoration to my bleeding heart
Rehabilitation to my wandering and weak self

I don’t know how long my darkness will last
But I know God walks me to His light

I know what it’s like
To be lost in the abyss of melancholy
And I know that it drives people
To lash and struggle in despair
They harm themselves to feel
Or to end their suffering
My heart aches not merely for him
But also for the lost and struggling like me
The Hannahs who weep with sorrow
The Elijahs who beg for death

The difference between me and them, though, is
I know the God who hears the cries of Hannah
I know He provides food and rests for Elijah
Even when I’m like Naomi
Lamenting her Mara fate
God hears all that too
And leads me back to His plentiful land

Now I empathise more with the jilted and scorned
After being rejected myself
It’s sobering to sit with the hurting, in the flurry of emotions
Without judgmental condescending
But a humble compassion

Yes, you got it!
You’ve learned empathy and compassion through this experience

The Lord in His mercy has spared us
From a good gift but terrible god of a lover
In His grace, He’s grown us
To lean more into Him
Relying on Him for our joy
But the lessons don’t stop
We have to do our homework and regular exercises
Of walking with Him, trusting in Him
See, then, how His Truths are applied in real-time and action

The sadness is fleeting
It appears sporadically
And after we acknowledge it
We let God speak louder than our emotions
As He guides us to the everlasting

There’s a sense of release
As I pen these final words
In wholehearted agreement with what’s been told

It hasn’t been easy
To have experienced and now recount a breakup
But I know for certain
That my God is sovereign through it all
He has restored my broken heart
He has heard my cry
He has heard my song

And now with this dual identity
Of being brokenhearted and restored
I continue on my journey with Him
Taking slow and steady steps towards eternity

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