Even if he doesn’t change, I will not stop loving him. From the initial shock of his confession to the months of grieving and mourning and the many more months of questioning my parenting, my mistakes, my views on homosexuality, my theology and everything, I have not stopped loving him.
I can no more dig out my heart than not love my son, gay or not. And no matter where his road of seeking leads him to in the end – whether he eventually agrees with my conviction that practising homosexuality is against God or he goes the other way – I will still love him and pray for him without ceasing.
THE BOMBSHELL
Let me share my story. One regular, humdrum Tuesday night, my son walked into the house through the entrance door and headed straight to where my husband and I were sitting in the living room. He plonked himself beside me as I got up to retire to my room. “Mom, wait. I’ve got something to tell you.” I paused, looked down on him and said in jest, “Don’t tell me you are gay.” He craned his neck at me, nodded his head and replied, “You said it.”
Oh, his eyes – they were sad, pleading.
I could see them, even through his glasses. Numbed, I steadied my feet and sat down.
Did my heart skip a beat? Would it have been easier if he had announced, “Mom, I have stage four bone cancer and I’ll be dead in six months”? Yes and yes.
Growing up on a diet of preaching that denounced homosexuality as the great evil that sent fire to devour Sodom and Gomorrah, I dare say now that I was close to homophobic. I could not understand how a man could have amorous feelings for another man. And why would a woman want the embrace of another woman when she can be safe and secure in the strong,protective arms of a man? I remember now how my well-travelled friends would humour themselves by telling me stories of seeing men kissing men (full on the lips!) in public, just to catch the disgust on my face.
One of my deadliest fears is that my sons will turn gay. As I watched each one falling in (and out of) love with girls, I was greatly relieved. Phew… safe… they are normal, straight.
So, when my handsome, strapping boy broke the news, he broke my heart. I’ve raised him on the pages of the Bible and the loving embrace of our church; even before he was born, he had been prayed for and triumphantly claimed for Christ. How can he be gay?! How can he mock everything that he’s been taught?!!
In the days, weeks and months to come, my emotions swung from stabbing grief to self-blame to grief, and all over again. God, what have I done wrong? God, what have I not done right? God, please rescue my son. No wait, he’s Your son, please rescue Your son.
As I spoke to people involved in counselling homosexuals and reading the other side of the story, I began to realise there was so much more to know about Christians battling same-sex attraction. Have I been so merciless and uncompassionate to their struggles? I wondered.
I had always dismissed homosexuals as hedonistic seekers of sinful pleasures. I wasn’t alone. In his book, Amazing Grace, Philip Yancey talks about his shock after his friend, Mel, finally confessed to being gay. Mel – a kind, generous, Christ-loving man who had taught at Fuller Seminary, served as church pastor and wrote best-selling books for Christians.
Yancey writes, “I learned from Mel that homosexuality is not the casual lifestyle choice I had blithely assumed it to be.” Mel had fought “homosexual longings from adolescence, tried hard to repress those longings, and as an adult fervently sought a ‘cure’. He fasted, prayed and was anointed with oil for healing. He went through exorcism rites led by Protestants and also by Catholics. He signed up for aversion therapy, which jolted his body with electricity every time he was stimulated by photos of men…Above all else, Mel wanted desperately not to be gay.”
Nothing worked and Mel attempted suicide several times. On the brink of insanity, he finally decided to embrace his gay self, left his wife and children and now has a gay partner.
I FEEL AND I FEAR FOR MY SON
Did Mel’s story confirm what I had read – that it is rather difficult to change a person’s sexual orientation? Will my son have to struggle all his life against same-sex attraction? Worse, will he stop struggling and give in? Will he walk away from his relationship with Christ or will he join the growing band of “homosexual Christians”? What an oxymoron! How can one be a Christian and a practising homosexual?
Oh, I have so many questions but much as I sympathised with Mel, his story has not softened my stance that practising homosexuality is a sin. However, I had come to realise that I could have magnified the sin of homosexuality to the exclusion of other sins.
A re-reading of Paul’s letter to the Corinthians glaringly lump the greedy, drunkards, slanderers and swindlers together with homosexuals as those who will not inherit the kingdom of God(1 Cor. 6:9-10).
We are all doomed if we do not turn to Christ – homosexuals and liars and gluttons alike.
At a Veritas Forum for university students in America, renowned American pastor Tim Keller was asked whether homosexuals were going to hell. He replied to great laughter from the audience: “Heterosexuality is not going to get you to heaven.” Asked what was needed to make the cut for heaven, he said, “…getting a relationship with Christ because you realise you’re a sinner…”.
I pray that my son will always realise his need for the Saviour and turn to Him, who is full of grace and mercy.
PRAYER SHIFT
I’ve changed too in the way I pray. My initial frantic pleadings with the Lord went something like this: “Lord, please straighten him. You can do the impossible. You can change him, make him heterosexual.”
Make him heterosexual – that was the ultimate aim. Then I read an article by Rachel Gilson in Christianity Today entitled, “I Never Became Straight. Perhaps That Was Never God’s Goal.”
Gilson, who has struggled all her life with same-sex attraction, writes, “Heterosexuality is not the end goal; faithfulness to God, and the joy that comes from a relationship with him, is what we run for(emphasis mine)…That’s why this is not the story of my becoming straight, which has never truly happened and is beside the point. It is the story of my becoming whole, which is happening every day.”
Daily now, I pray my son will find joy and fulfilment that spring from a relationship with Christ. And I know Christ intercedes fervently for my son too, for He is the Great High Priest who truly understands.
Gilson continues to struggle with same-sex attraction even though she’s now married to a committed Christian man who adores her. For the record, she and Keller take the position that practising homosexuality is wrong. As to the raging nature vs nurture debate about same-sex attraction, I don’t know too much. What I am keenly aware of now is that Jesus calls me to love my neighbour, someone who is far different from me. My gay son is my neighbour. And I love him.
Asian Beacon: Oct – Dec 2017 (Vol 49 #3, p16-17)
