Oh God, I’m gay!
By Queerkyna
I grew up resenting the fact that I was a girl. From the outside, you wouldn’t even have guessed that. People tell me I’m feminine. But inside, I was always unsure who I really was. Welcome to the sweet discordance of gender and identity confusion.
I accepted the fact that physically I was female, but I truly envied how boys seemed to have this freedom to be boisterous, to walk around without shirts whereas we girls were told “it’s good to be quiet”. I was appalled to think that girls’ roles were in the kitchen, doing all the hard work while boys had all the fun outside. Worst of all, men can still produce babies with younger wives when they’re old and decrepit while women’s eggs expire after a certain age. Not fair, God. Not fair!
Oh yes. I was an angry bird. But I kept it all tied up neatly inside a sweet, girly package for fear that no one would love me if they knew how furiously angry and foul-mouthed I was inside.
So I strived hard intellectually to be like a boy. I always imagined how nice it would be to have my dad talk to me about the “manly” stuff like politics, and other big news behind the large newspaper he read every morning while sitting on his jamban (toilet) whistling.
These feelings of gender envy (I still hate the term “penis envy”) and despising my own gender didn’t change even after growing up in a Bible-centred church.
During my secondary school years, I was very fascinated by this “nature versus nurture” debate. I looked at my transgendered friends and felt deeply for them because they’d always felt that way since birth. Why? I pondered.
When I saw a college mate turn gay, that convinced me that on some level, same-sex attraction is nurtured. How about those raped or molested as children? Statistics show correlations between childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and homosexuality.[1]
The gay community has this saying that if you’re homophobic, it must be that you are probably gay inside. Of course this is debatable. I was only consciously concerned then because homosexuals were listed in the category of those who wouldn’t inherit the Kingdom.
“The pain of living as me then outweighed the fear and pain of confronting my inner darkness and ugliness.”
EARTHQUAKES OF THE SOUL
Until one day, without warning, I developed this attraction for an older woman. If she were to make a move, I would’ve fallen for her. For months, I felt crippled by these emotions for her. The Christian side of me was terrified.
This awakening came at a time when I felt depressed. I couldn’t put a finger to it. Nothing in life worked anymore. Everything about me was wrong. Suicidal thoughts swirled in my head.
Kneeling naked after a shower and naked before my God whom I knew was real, I prayed with all my heart, “Please just show me what is wrong with me!”
Very soon, one day, after a prayer meeting, an aunt at church whom I haven’t spoken to in a long time came up to me. She asked me a “normal”question I haven’t heard from anyone at church for a while, “How are your parents?” Immediately, I burst into sobs. I knew that was the answer to my prayers – my existential angst which perched precariously on unstable emotions was triggered by my parents’ separation at that time. Thirty years of suppressed emotions rose to the surface.
I ended up at a prayer counselling ministry and taking a course after hearing of its life-changing reviews. I needed help. The pain of living as me then outweighed the fear and pain of confronting my inner darkness and ugliness.
MY NEW BIRTH
During one session, my counsellor only had the words “wrong gender” impressed upon her. Before she said that, I had a “flashback” to my actual full-moon party photos. I’d always noticed that mom and grandmother didn’t smile in that photo. There was a glumness surrounding my birth because I wasn’t a boy.
That feeling of deep rejection had always been there. My mother had constantly reminded us how my grandmother would chide her for giving birth to a girl rather than a boy. I believe the Holy Spirit reminded me of this photo as a confirmation of my counsellor’s impression of the root issue – my undesired gender. I learned there was such a thing as in-utero wounding.
I also learned that my hatred for my own gender and wishing to be a boy became like a “hook” in my spirit that attracted other girls with the same type of wound.
When they prayed for me, they pronounced the truth, that God made me a girl and He was very pleased. I forgave my mom and grandmother who wished I were a boy. I forgave dad for his degrading views of women among layers of forgiveness over hurts and assaults to my gender and identity.
My prayer counsellor also blessed the day I was born. Words have such power. And with much forgiveness on my part, I felt a huge burden lifted. I felt welcomed. I felt the Holy Spirit’s guidance through that time of prayer and that my prayer counsellors were merely ready vessels, like midwives helping me to enter a new life.
That was the beginning of my journey to loving myself and discovering who my Father is. That was 10 years ago! I have since gone through many prayer counselling sessions and the pain of being me has softened.
I can’t say my experience applies to others. Everyone’s circumstances are unique. But the patterns of our responses are similar and He has never changed.
This confession is never meant to blame my parents. I honour them now. They (siblings, too, and other adults) didn’t know how their words, thoughts and actions (or neglect) have ruined my belief about my sexuality or identity. I also take responsibility over my sinful responses towards these hurts.
DON’T QUIT
I don’t have all the answers for other factors that could make a person gay. The best way forward is to get help in seeking your answers. Be bold to go for counselling. Surround yourself with safe, loving people. I am indebted to the obedience, prayers and love shown by my counsellors from Elijah House Malaysia and my dear, dear friends.
Pray for wisdom. Forgiveness is hard, especially when it isn’t a one-off act (it’s seventy times seven). So I prayed for God to enable me.
I still struggle with those feelings of attraction, usually during days when I feel tired and unloved, so I have to rely on His grace constantly to help me through weak moments. But I know my Father holds me now.
The real you uncovered is a glorious delight to God’s heart. It’s the truth that He delights in each of us. (Genesis 1; Psalms 149:4; Zephaniah 3:17)
And the real me isn’t gay. I know you might think “what if the real me is gay?” Ha! Satan lies. God loves and created you in truth and love.
All that pain of uncovering the roots of my identity crisis was worth becoming the person God has made me to be. Being a girl is now something I enjoy. (You get to be a confounding mystery while looking great!) I’ve never felt more at peace with myself, God and my sexuality. It’s also enlarged my capacity to help others while navigating healthier boundaries.
This is, for me, how “it only gets better”.
[1] 
Asian Beacon: Apr – Jun 2018 (Vol 50 #2, p12-13)
