TOUGH LOVE
By Elaine YM Lee
When it comes to the topic of love, there are many definitions. Some define it in terms of affection, others in terms of passion, and yet another in the context of care and nurture (for example such as those in familial ties). Yet love can also bring pain and sorrow… and healing.
The Bible looks at love in a much more holistic way than many of us. It encompasses all the above aspects, and in addition, is very transparent about the role of discipline in genuine love relationships. Writer Elaine Lee tackles the difficult topic of tough love, one that has a significance that reaches even into our relationship with our Creator.
What comes to your mind whenever you hear the word love? Is it visions of a close-knitted family, an amorous couple in love, or best friends having a cuppa together? Does it bring about a warm fuzzy feeling? Are the heartstrings of your heart gently tugged? Or does the word love make you cringe inwardly? Do you recoil at the mention of the word love? Does tears well up in your eyes?
In my humble opinion, love can be quite an oxymoron. It weakens us while it strengthens us. It makes us vulnerable yet empowers us. It hurts and yet it heals. Love means so many different things to each one of us on different levels. The Bible gives us a very detailed description of love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres.”
I believe that a good majority of us are all too familiar with the verses above. We have either read it or heard it coming from the pulpit, podcasts, or social media. We are filled with sufficient knowledge of the importance of love. We are constantly bombarded with the various ways on how we need to love someone and how vital it is to love, love, and love. We got the memo. We attended class 101.
But how often have we ever sat down and contemplated on what love is not? We spend a good deal of time soaking in on the gentle, soothing, tenderness of love that we forget that there is another aspect of love. And it is called Tough Love. What exactly defines Tough Love? It is when we take proactive steps and measures that might seem harsh and unreasonable by the receiving party. Tough love requires us to dig our heels in to carry out actions that are difficult and challenging to both the giver and recipient for the greater good.
Now, Jesus was all about walking in love during His time on earth. But He was no pushover. He practiced tough love when the need arose. In Matthew 16:21-22, Jesus revealed to His disciples that He is to be made to suffer before being killed and eventually raised again on the third day. This caused Peter to react strongly and he began to chastise Jesus by saying that it should never be allowed to happen to Him. Jesus knew that Peter was being more self-centred than he was God-centred. He immediately rebuked Peter by saying “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me: you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” (Matthew 16: 23).
Note that Jesus did not beat around the bush nor mince his words. He tackled the issue immediately with tough love to get Peter aligned to the centre of the Father’s will. When Martha came complaining to Jesus about Mary not helping her out in the preparations, Jesus got straight to the point that Mary had made the right choice by saying “Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Matthew 10: 42). Out of love for Martha, Jesus did not water down the truth and He corrected her on the spot as He did with Peter.
Tough Love Speaks the Truth.
When David sinned against God by taking Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba, as his own, he was not let off the hook without any form of discipline. The life of David’s firstborn with Bathsheba was taken away though David fasted and pleaded with God to spare his life. It was the Hand of discipline from God upon David for not only committing adultery with Bathsheba but for also murdering her husband Uriah. God forgave David but he still needed to live out the consequences of his sinful actions. And when Jesus saw how the money changers had turned the house of prayer into a den of thieves, He took physical disciplinary action by driving them out and overturning the tables (Matthew 21:12-13). He did not tolerate their acts of evil.
Tough Love Disciplines.
It is written in Matthew 18:15-17 that we are to confront any brother or sister living in sin of their fault to correct them. Sin must be called out for what it is, which is the destruction to their souls. It is not done to shame or condemn a person but rather to lead them back to the correct path. When David took another man’s wife as his own and had him killed at the battlefield, he thought that he could get away with it. But God was not going to allow his wicked acts to be left unknown.
2 Samuel 12: 1-12 tells of how the prophet Nathan was sent by God to confront David over what he had done. After the confrontation, David repented, acknowledged his wrongdoing, and said, “I have sinned against the Lord.” (2 Samuel 12:13). All too often we opt to take the easy way out by never confronting a sin. We hope that by closing an eye or ignoring the matter, it will eventually go away.
Tough Love Addresses Sin
Love is not just all the mushy stuff. We are also called to display love in a way that corrects, rebukes, and disciplines. Tough love is when you need to discipline your 4-year old throwing a tantrum at Tesco’s checkout counter because you would not buy her a second lollipop. Or when you need to take away privileges from your rebellious teenager who is slacking in his grades. Sometimes tough love also requires us to stage an intervention. Think of the wife who is a domestic abuse victim. Or a drug addict that would eventually either kill himself or his family members if he is not sent to the rehabilitation centre. To not speak the truth, to not discipline, and to not address sin is the easier option. How many of us have been guilty of sweeping things under the carpet as it was just too troublesome to do otherwise?
Let me end by sharing about a personal situation where I had to deal with my second son when he was 12-years old. From the very beginning, it was obvious that Elijah was musically inclined and could play the piano beautifully. But there came a day where he said that he wanted to give up learning the piano and said that music exams were too stressful. I could only conclude that he came to this hurried conclusion due to his lack of discipline to practice the piano.
Being his parents, we sat down and explained to him that God had given him a talent that he was to cultivate. We urged him not to bury it as the servant did according to Matthew 25:14-30. We also told him that moving forward, there would be no more music exams and that he would continue his lessons for pleasure. He refused to budge from his stand to give up learning the piano. That is when we knew that tough love had to be practiced. We told him that the decision for him to continue learning to play the piano was non-negotiable. The decision was final. Our explanation and reasoning were met with a storm of protest from him and his compliance to our decision was accompanied by sulking for the longest time. We stuck to our guns.
Less than a year later, Elijah had a change of heart over playing the piano. He started to enjoy it immensely and he discovered that he could play music by ear. Just listening to a certain melody once or twice was sufficient for him to play the music piece without the need for any written music notes. Playing the piano became his passion. Whilst studying in Australia, he even forked out money from his allowance to buy himself a keyboard. Today, Elijah plays for leisure and has served in the worship ministry for many years.
The truth of the matter is that tough love are blessings in disguise if we exercise it correctly. What is also often seen as unreasonable, harsh, and non-compromising are in fact boundaries set in place to protect us. Tough love can help be our guiding compass in times when we do not know better. It can help us get back on the right course. To love without boundaries set in place is simply being permissive and to set boundaries without love is simply being legalistic. We are none the wiser if the pendulum were to swing to the extreme on either side.
So, I say to you my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, by all means, learn to live in love towards all around you. But love them with the right kind of love that will ultimately draw them closer to understanding the Father’s heart of undying, unlimited love, and also His perfect will for their lives.
About the Writer
Born and bred in Penang and still currently residing in the Pearl of the Orient, Elaine loves reading, dogs, and taking walks on the beach. She also has a thing for Sunrises and Sunsets. Writing is something that she is passionate about and it brings her inexplicable joy. Elaine believes that every life experience should be effective agents of change to make us better people on this earth.
