Coping with Grief
By Elaine YM Lee
I hug my piping hot cup of tea as I shiver in the cold. Minnesota was the 4th coldest state in the USA, with January being the coldest month. Temperatures could dip as low as -30 degrees Celsius, and that day was -24 degrees Celsius. I have never fared well in the cold and had to brace myself for the extreme weather before arriving in the US from Malaysia. I knew that winters here in Minnesota were unforgiving and brutally cold. An extended walk can freeze the eyelashes with a stinging pain on exposed skin. As I ponder the harsh cold winter that I am experiencing, I start to think about the winters of life. We will all be here at some point, undergoing a season of winter where it is grey, cold and devoid of life. Not every winter of life is in the forecast, and sometimes it arrives at our doorstep unexpectedly.
What do we do, and how do we cope when winter presents itself in the form of grief? Grief hurts—a lot.
The Oxford dictionary describes grief as deep sorrow that is often caused by the loss of someone and something of importance to us. It could be the loss of a relationship, pet, loved one, physical mobility, job, health, finances, credibility and so on. Everyone is bound to go through grief at some point in their life—each with a story of their own which is never quite the same. I wish to address two groups of people here—the ones undergoing grief and the ones that serve as a comforter to the grieving.
What is the best possible way to help and comfort someone grieving? I can think of a multitude of scenarios. Parents that have lost their child, a broken-hearted wife whose husband walked out on their 25-year marriage, an uprising athletic with a promising career that has lost his limb in an accident, a man whose beloved dog passes away, or a breadwinner that has been retrenched and has not been able to find employment. When we are a source of strength and comfort to the grieving, we play a vital role in their recovery.
Our company is a great source of comfort and assurance. During my darkest moments, I had no inkling of what was said to me by my best friend as she sat beside me. But I do remember this one fact. She was there for me. Her presence brought great comfort, which mattered to me more than anything else. We, too, can impact a grieving person’s life by just showing up for them. A grieving person often feels very isolated in their pain. The immense pain resides in their broken hearts, restless spirit and disturbed mind. Our presence helps the grieving feel that they are not alone.
We need to listen well. Know that it is much more important to listen than to speak. They desperately need a listening ear. And yes, there will be a tendency for them to repeat themselves over and over again. It helps them process the grief as they talk about it. It is also crucial for us to remember not to try to preach their pain away. Pounding them with the Word may hurt them more than help them. Why is that so? Because people who are grieving need to have their emotions and thoughts validated. Let us take, for example, a wife who has just found out that her husband committed adultery. She shares about the unforgiveness in her heart over his betrayal, and we start shoving down her throat bible scriptures on forgiveness. There is no need to inform her about what she already knows. She needs to know that someone understands the reality of unforgiveness in her broken heart and that she is struggling with it. Though it is with good intentions that we quote bible scriptures to the grieving but “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” Ecclesiastes 3:1(NIV)
We also have to ensure that our non-verbal communication is in the right place. Studies by psychology Professor Albert Mehrabian have shown that non-verbal communication is more important than verbal communication. According to his communication model, the impact of communication lies in 7% verbal, 38% voice/tone and 55% body language. The facial expression of compassion, an affirming nod of the head, a gentle touch, a tone of patience as we speak, a reassuring hug and good eye contact bring profound consolation, encouragement and cheer. Our body language helps us talk without speaking and listen without hearing.
For those grieving, be rest assured that it is perfectly normal to feel a diverse range of emotions. There will be anger, hurt, rejection, pain, depression, shock and disbelief. Sometimes all within a span of one day. Renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler Ross describes the grief process as a five-stage process. It starts with denial and is followed by anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is no wonder that we experience sleepless nights, lucid dreams, a cluttered mind, anxiety, depression, social withdrawal, and unhealthy eating habits during our moments of grief. There is also no set timeline for recovering and bouncing back on our feet. Grief feels differently for everyone. The healing process differs with every individual, and it is here that we need God’s hand of love and arm of strength to help us overcome grief. I have walked the path of grief and learnt that I never have to walk in anyone else timeline for recovery except mine. Let no one convince us that our recovery takes far too long and has passed the expiry date. We have the right to a personal timetable for healing.
We could employ different strategies to ride above the tidal wave of painful anguish as part of our recovery process. There is therapy, setting new goals, building new relationships, taking a holiday, or indulging in activities that we enjoy. The crucial thing is to find what works best for us and can serve as a good proper coping mechanism. It should be something tailor-made as we are all somewhat the same but altogether different.
As I turn up the heat in my room to fight off the cold, I ask myself, “Where is the Lord during our winters of life?” Immediately, I feel the answer deep in my spirit.
“The same place as He is during our better seasons. Right beside us.”
Beloved, His presence is with us to help navigate our flight path in the midst of agonising pain. “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you, in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17(NIV). During our moments of anguish, it is so easy to forget that our Heavenly Father is our greatest support. In deep pain, we believe the whispers in our ears that He has forsaken us. Blinded by grief, we think that we will never recover from our suffering. That could not be further from the truth because He has promised us that “ He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds” (NIV). The God that sent His one and only beloved Son to die on the cross for our salvation understands our grief and will restore us. He sees us and has promised that “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” Psalm 56:8 ( NLT)
My friend, if you are struggling to cope with grief or comforting someone that is in the deep trenches of grief, hold on and hang on because healing is on the way.
About Elaine Lee
Born, bred, and still residing in Penang, Elaine loves reading, dogs, and taking walks on the beach. Elaine believes that every life experience should be an effective agent of change to make us better people on Earth.
