10 Things to Do to Remember You

10 Things to Do to Remember You - Part 3

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The late Rev Loh Soon Choy’s family was asked to write about him to commemorate the first anniversary of his death. Each of them writes from their own point of view. Lydia, Rev Loh’s wife, remembers the everlasting arms that supported her through the difficult years of caring for her husband and the past year of grief in the first article. The second article, written by Debbie the eldest daughter, looks at accepting the illness and what made her father so brave in the face of death. The third article, written by Rev Loh’s youngest child Miriam, looks to the future and how Rev Loh will be remembered.

By Miriam Loh DeShield

Pa’s birthday was in September, and he would have turned 83 at the time. But this time, there was no need to make a card or record a birthday song for him – the teacher, preacher, and parent. My family baked a flourless cake so we could talk about him with the children. How do we move forward and keep his memory alive?

During difficult parenting moments, I take time to reflect on the things I did or did not do that I regret. Alternatively, what I could have done differently or better. I can’t help but think about how my parents parented, and in many cases, how my father parented – my adolescent years were difficult for both of us.

Some of the things he insisted on doing as a teen that I despised are now things I hope I can practise. My spouse and I might approach it differently, but we believe in the same principle. So, in memory of my father, I’m listing the top activities to do with kids/teenagers that he did with me. I hope my husband and I will have the discipline to do with our children, especially when they become difficult teenagers.

Create a miniature rock garden with lots of moss and tiny things, whether for the angels’ or fairies’ pleasure or recreate something from Lord of the Rings. Build something, even if it isn’t a rock garden. The key is to use your imagination and play to find delight in stories. He didn’t always play with me when I was a kid, but when he did, it was magical.
Take regular walks (or participate in a sport) together. Especially during the adolescent years, because it is during physical activity that issues emerge that you might not typically discuss at the dinner table or in the rush of getting somewhere or coming home from work.
Read the Bible together and make it a habit before they leave for university, preferably doing a more in-depth study-like thing that pushes both your intellectual and spiritual comfort levels.
Go on camping trips. Not glamping, and camping requires a little more risk assessment and learning of hard skills/resourcefulness. Value the time spent struggling over something together.
Teach (or learn with) your child how to fix and repair items that can be reasonably fixed and repaired. You can easily buy a new one, but the point is to do it together.
Watch their favourite show with them, especially if you’re unsure if they should be watching it or if it has values you don’t share. They will hate it but it is better than stopping them from watching it altogether. (Pa used to sit through every episode of Friends with me, providing a running commentary on the problematic representations and such.)
Do the same with the books. Don’t forbid. Instead, discuss.
Discuss sex and sexuality with them. Concerning self-esteem and honour. Avoid convenient phrases like “Because the Bible said so” or “Because I said so,” and instead ask and listen to their opinions.
Make time to serve others and include them, even if it appears to be ‘inconvenient’ for the family. Make time to care for the environment, such as by cleaning up a river, park, or beach. It is the most effective way of instilling in them a wide range of values, from empathy to social and environmental justice.
Make as detailed a family tree as you can, and write down the family history – it doesn’t have to be professionally done for publication; the goal is to help them understand their roots and that they are a part of something bigger.

I have even more respect for my father’s intentional parenting as I compile this list of activities he did with me. Thank you, Pa; your legacy lives on through us and your grandchildren.