Table Talk

Dear Goldie,

During these frustrating pandemic restrictions, our family has been forced to spend much time at home. This proximity is getting on everyone’s nerves, especially when we have meals together; we cannot avoid arguing and complaining. Can you suggest some improvements in our conversations?       

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Our pastor once preached on Table Talk, teaching us how to improve communication and strengthen relationships as a family when we have meals around the table.   We tried to put into practice what we learned. Like you, we met with disastrous results. Once I tried bringing up someone’s testimony I heard recently, hoping to encourage the family, but one person interjected some negative remarks, and I reacted with strong words. I was accused of not understanding and not listening to him. Obviously, my body language and tone of voice angered him so much that he left the table and even left the house! My impulse was to leave the house in anger, but I refrained. I then texted him, “I am sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me. I still love you.”

This argument has happened several times with different family members – husband, children, grandchildren, and in-laws.

My mistakes

I realise that I must not react but be careful of my words, tone, and body language. I have learned to listen, not interrupt, resist cutting in, finish their sentences for them, or hijack the floor. Understanding others involves grasping what they are saying (no matter how poorly expressed) and being sensitive to their feelings, needs and idiosyncrasies. I must not assume I already know what they are saying, rush to conclusions, make a judgment, butt in with corrections or devalue them.   I must remember to validate them first, maybe by saying something like, “hearing what you’ve said, I can see why you feel …”

Individually

Nowadays, getting the family for meals in small numbers is much easier than with the whole group. We can build closer relationships; we can bring up opinions, beliefs, and even opposing viewpoints without a tense atmosphere, being defensive or fear of judgment.

In one recent discussion with our grandkids about our different theological stances (evangelical/charismatic), we got pretty heated up about our differences. Understanding that Gen Z (also called True Gen or Zoomers born 1990-2012) tend to communicate differently from our generation, we were careful to tread gingerly. Perceiving that in this present “post-truth era”, the prevalent mood tends to be intolerance, moved by emotions rather than facts, etc., it is easy to stir arguments and debates. In this instance, we concluded that we were on the same page by continuing and persevering with more explanations, self-control, and patience. Once, I halted the discussion midway and started to pray, “thank you, Lord, for this discussion. We are thankful we can so freely and honestly bring up our views and understand one another better. Thank you; we all love you and love each other, so we ask you to help us know Your truth so that all of us will be benefited and edified …” Amazingly, the atmosphere changed, and we continued our dinner with happy camaraderie.

Later I realised how blessed we are to have such young people who can discuss and defend their faith with such knowledge and passion. May all of us be the True Gen who is willing to search for the truth, as the name TRUE implies.

Lessons learnt

In summary, we know disruptions will still occur, so we will try to put the following lessons into practice:

• Build up relationships and mutual trust, so we are not afraid to bring up controversial topics.
• Understand we have no bad motives but are all learning from one another.
• Our love for God and love for one another is our firm foundation for sharing.
• Prayer brings in the presence of God, who changes our hearts, attitudes, and atmosphere.
• When we humble ourselves and take the initiative to apologise, it softens the other party, ends the confrontation and results in quick reconciliation.
• The words “I love you” sincerely uttered have great healing power for all.

– Goldie