Attending, Affirming and Restoring

Wounded people with their vulnerabilities are all around us. Woundedness can be manifested through various unhealthy behaviours. An aggressive child could have grown up in an abusive family background. A person could be fearful and anxious due to a past traumatic experience. Yet our tendency to judge and be vindictive with people manifesting aggression and illogical fears is not uncommon. Whether we care to admit it or not, our approach towards such people is usually condescending and critical. On the contrary, what they need most are affirmative and restorative attending.

In John 8:1–11, we find an incident of the Scribes and Pharisees bringing to Jesus a woman caught in adultery. They said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” Adultery is indeed wrong and sinful behaviour, as stated in the Bible. Jesus also taught that even looking at a woman lustfully is adultery of the heart (Matthew 5:28). We may not be committing adultery. Still, we have all kinds of bad, negative, and sinful behaviours like getting angry, being quarrelsome, fighting, showing unforgiveness, bitterness, and envy.

The Pharisees were very legalistic people. They were always ready to notice and fault people who did not follow the law. They were quick to pass judgement and inflict punishment. They wanted the woman caught in adultery to be stoned to death. We may also be like the Pharisees. We are quick to jump on the one bad thing but fail to appreciate the nine good things about our spouse, children, colleague or neighbour. We constantly criticise, judge, and punish.

This scenario was a very tense situation. Someone was about to face a gruesome end by being stoned to death. However, Jesus did not say anything. Instead, he bent down and wrote on the ground. When the Pharisees kept questioning him, he stood up and said, “Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Then, he bent down and wrote on the ground again. Jesus was redirecting the accusation of the Pharisees back to them. They accused the woman of sin and wanted to punish her. As they pointed one finger at her, three fingers pointed back at themselves. Jesus made them realise that they were also sinners. Most probably, what Jesus was writing on the ground were the sins of the Pharisees. Perhaps, he wrote the names of the women some of the Pharisees had committed adultery with. If the woman were to be condemned, they should be condemned too. They admitted they were not without sin when they all left without throwing the first stone, starting from the eldest.

Jesus was left with the woman standing before him. He was not at a distance like the Pharisees who pointed fingers at her. He was with her. She was not someone to be kept at a distance, avoided and rejected. He told her he would not condemn her. His words, body language, and tone of voice indicated acceptance of the woman as a person of value and significance created in the image of God. Jesus loves sinners, and he died for sinners: For God showed his love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).

Instead of immediately confronting the woman about her bad behaviour, Jesus addressed her needs. This woman might have come from a background where she was deprived and rejected, desperately needing attention and love. It might be the first time she experienced acceptance, kindness, care, forgiveness and love from someone. Jesus ministered to her most profound needs of woundedness and vulnerabilities. Only after this did Jesus tell her not to sin again. If Jesus had focused immediately on her sins, she might have wanted to sin some more. When her innermost needs were met, she would be more ready to listen to Jesus telling her not to sin. Jesus attended to the needy person, affirmed her as a person of worth, and restored her to wholesomeness.

This is not to say that destructive behaviours are always to be attended at a later time. Sometimes, destructive behaviours need to be dealt with immediately. Suppose a father tells a child not to play with fire, but the child deliberately disobeys. Then, such bad behaviour will have to be dealt with immediately. It is good to remember that on certain occasions, defence mechanisms such as fight, flight and freeze act as bunkers to protect the wounded or vulnerable self.

In her office, Mary noticed a man outside looking at her. She clenched her fists, and anger swelled within her. She looked as if she wanted to fight. The truth of the matter was that the man thought Mary looked just like his deceased mother, and he was amazed. He knocked on the door and opened it. Mary was filled with fear and terror and looked for a back door to escape. She wanted to take flight, but there was no escape. The man came near and said, “Hello, I am Peter,” and reached out to shake Mary’s hand. Mary froze, and she could not move her hands and mouth. Mary had behaviours of fight, flight and freeze. Peter was a valued customer, and the boss felt that Mary’s behaviours were unacceptable. As a result, he fired her on the spot. The boss had judged and punished her. Mary’s behaviours were self-defence mechanisms, bunkers to protect herself: A few years ago, a man had broken into her bedroom in the night, attacked and molested her. Since then, Mary had been filled with fear, terror, anger, and shame. She was afraid and scared of many things. What she needed was not judgement and punishment but attention, affirmation, and restoration.

April, a mother of three children, was having a rough day. The children were testing her patience. The cat scratched her. The tap in the kitchen broke. The delivery of milk did not arrive. She was having her monthly moods. When her husband, John, came home, she met him at the door with hands on her waist and looked at him unhappily. She spoke in a rough voice, “Why did you come home so late?” John stared at her angrily and shouted, “You crazy woman! I come home every day at this hour from a hard day’s work. Why do you have such unacceptable behaviours?” He slammed the door and drove away.

The story of April and John is not uncommon in many families. Couples jump at each other over every wrong and weakness. Suppose John decides to focus on his wife’s frustrated and vulnerable self; the outcome could be very different. He could say, “Oh darling, you must be having a rough day.” He hugs her and tells her gently that he loves her. He asks her to sit down, brings her a cup of tea and sits beside her. He gives her the opportunity to share all her problems. John listens attentively. He attends to her and affirms her. April feels so much better after this. She stands up and serves him dinner. The bad behaviour is gone.

A troublemaker in the class usually cries out for attention because he receives no love or attention at home. Another misbehaving child giving the teacher headaches could be feeling much insecurity due to family squabbles. Judging and punishing their destructive behaviours only makes them feel worse. We must go beyond the bunkers and reach out to their vulnerable and wounded selves before dealing with destructive behaviours.

Jimmy was a rebellious secondary school student with very poor grades. One day, he took a rubber snake and put it on the teacher’s chair. When the teacher pulled out her chair to sit on it, she got the shock of her life. Jimmy was taken to see Mr Chan, the Vice Principal. Everybody, including Jimmy, was expecting a whipping from Mr Chan. Instead, Mr Chan took Jimmy to the canteen, bought him a cup of Milo, and took time for him. He attended to the needs of Jimmy’s inner person and affirmed him as a person of worth. A few years later, Jimmy returned to his school to testify that his life had been dramatically changed since the incident of the rubber snake and Mr Chan’s response. He saw himself in a different light and gave attention to his studies. Since then, he graduated from University and continues to do well in life. This is a real story with some details changed.

There are destructive behaviours of people all around us. Let us be not like the Pharisees, always jumping on the destructive behaviours of people and being judgmental and vindictive. Let us be like Jesus, attending to the vulnerability of people, affirming their value and significance, and restoring them to wholesomeness.

About Dr Thomas Chin

Dr Thomas Chin has been a full-time Christian minister for almost five decades in various countries. His primary ministries were in Malaysia and Singapore as a pastor and Seminary lecturer, including that as a Seminary President. His favourite teaching subject is Christian Leadership. Two of his books are on this subject: “Leadership & Authority” and “Father Leadership.” He is also a marriage counsellor with his wife, Nee Jin. In recent years, he has been more of a mentor to pastors and Christian leaders. Currently, he is the Director of the Pastoral Renewal and Research Centre of the Malaysia Baptist Theological Seminary.