By Luke G Tan of A Pocketful of Grace
Everybody wants to be a good friend. We may not be conscious of this, but most of us wouldn’t want to be classified as a bad friend. But what does it really mean to be a ‘good’ friend?
We often define good friends as those who stand by us through tough times—gentle, caring, and supportive. However, if you’ve ever supported a friend through hardship, you’ve likely realised how easily their struggles can affect you. Emotions are contagious, and we connect deeply through shared feelings.
It’s unrealistic to believe we’re immune to others’ emotions. As we live out the Gospel by loving our friends, it’s important not to leave our mental health unguarded.
If you’re feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, or weighed down by a friend’s burdens, you might find yourself asking, “How did I get here?”
But apathy isn’t the answer. We’re called to love our neighbors as ourselves (Mark 12:31).
The key is practicing reasoned empathy – that is to safeguard our emotions with discernment and wisdom. This approach helps us to last the long haul without falling into emotional burnout.
#1: Practice what you preach
We’ve all been guilty of this, myself included – telling others to rest, eat well, stay hydrated, and exercise, while neglecting our own advice. We understand the benefits of a healthy lifestyle, and we know that ignoring these needs can lead to poor mental health and low moods. Yet, we sometimes disregard our own well-being.
But what about our emotional and spiritual needs? When we encourage others to be vulnerable, let people in, and shed their masks of religiosity or self-sufficiency, are we doing the same? If we want to support others, we must also allow ourselves to be supported.
Sometimes, the solutions to our struggles are found in the very advice we give. We just need to be willing to listen to ourselves.
#2: Build a tag team
The saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” evokes beautiful imagery of a true community. It’s the idea of safety in numbers painted onto a warm landscape, intertwined with bursts of colour – diverse components coming together to support the holistic growth of a child.
I believe this principle applies not just to children, but to the suffering as well.
It takes a village to care for a broken heart, a weary soul, an anxious mind, or a shaken identity. God often uses community to accomplish things we cannot achieve on our own.
If you’re supporting a struggling friend, consider asking their permission to invite other trusted friends to join you in the journey. Seek godly counsel from Christians in your church or small group, while respecting your friend’s privacy.
There is strength in asking others to step in when you can’t. Together, you can form a team of caregivers, creating a sustainable and effective way to support your friend—and everyone involved will be blessed by it.
#3: Give them space
It may sound counterintuitive, but when someone is struggling, they often need time to themselves. It’s important to discern when your friend needs your company and when they need space.
In my experience, giving them room to process their thoughts or apply your advice can be truly helpful. Without that breathing space, they may feel overwhelmed by constant counsel and encouragement.
However, don’t ghost (dissapear on) them.
Let them know you’re giving them some time to think, pray, or take actionable steps, while reminding them that you’re still there for support. Healing and growth often come from building their own muscles of independence.
Our goal is to help them gradually become more self-reliant while staying connected to the community. We don’t want our friends to become overly dependent on us—or anyone else—except for Jesus Christ.
As they grow, there will come a day when they’re strong enough to support others alongside you. When that day comes, rejoice!
#3.5: Remember that it’s normal for others’ emotions to affect you
At the end of the day, we are all human, with hearts wired to feel emotions. It’s okay to have rough seasons and moments when you crack. Wisdom isn’t about being perfect, it’s about leaning on God and learning from others as you grow into a better friend.
My final encouragement is to take heart. Your identity isn’t defined by how good or perfect a friend you are, or by how well you handle emotions and set boundaries. No, dear friend, your identity is found in Jesus Christ. May you always find peace in this truth.
Luke G. Tan is a writer, speaker and podcaster with a passion for mental health advocacy and personal development. He created A Pocketful of Grace as a digital platform which houses various projects that seek to integrate faith with issues such as mental health, singleness, and adulting.
This article was first published on Faithour.
