By Joshua Devaratnam
Crushed under the weight of unrealistic expectations as a pastor’s kid, Joshua Devaratnam sought escape in women, smoking, and alcohol. But in his brokenness, God met him and transformed his life forever.
It happened on the highway during one of those chaotic weekday morning jams.
I was drunk and drowsy, stuck in the fast lane. With traffic at a standstill, I decided to take a quick nap. Suddenly, I was jolted awake by someone banging on my window.
To my surprise, I had been asleep for about 20 minutes, holding up the line of cars behind me. A guy from the car behind had to come over and rouse me from my drunken stupor.
I found the whole situation quite funny, I let out a good laugh and drove home.
I don’t have any fancy backstory, nothing too shocking like gangsterism or drugs, but in my earlier years, I often felt like I was ‘asleep at the wheel’, drifting through life without a clear purpose.
My story is simply one of being a pastor’s kid who lived in a dark place until Jesus encountered me.
I was born into a pastor’s family, and at five or six, I remember dragging a friend to the church caretaker’s home, where we found a carton of eggs.
We couldn’t resist the temptation and took turns throwing the eggs at the house before casually returning to church. I don’t know why I did it, but it felt great at the time. This rebellious streak continued into my teenage years, leading to frequent trouble with my parents and regular visits to the principal’s office throughout secondary school.
It didn’t help that as a pastor’s kid, church members often expected me to be perfect and were quick to judge me.
In retaliation, I didn’t care about anything or anyone but myself. There were days I’d turn up for church drunk or hungover. Looking back, I realise how deeply I disrespected the presence of God. I’d always had a deep love for Jesus but never feared Him.
It is only when we have a reverent fear for Him that we will want to live a life pleasing unto him.
Without a deep conviction in our hearts to follow Him, we’d never go all in. However, only a true encounter with God can bring about such a conviction.
For me, this happened at the lowest point in my life.
God met me in my brokenness
Having been through a toxic breakup and a failed business, I was tired of living life in sin and darkness.
I sought comfort in alcohol, but when drunk, I’d exhibit rage.
I knew something had to change. I believe I was created for much more than this mediocre life.
We are all born with a purpose and I wanted to find mine.
So, I sought the Lord and instead of disregarding me as a son, He met me in my brokenness.
In 2016, I was listening to a Sunday sermon on partial versus full obedience to God’s Word. It was simple but profound. I realised that partial obedience to Christ is not obedience at all.
That day, I decided to follow Jesus wholeheartedly. I had said the sinner’s prayer a decade before, but my life didn’t reflect it.
After that encounter, I threw away my cigarettes and went on a fast. I also completely stopped drinking alcohol for a time.
Today, I’m happily married to my wife, Sarah, and we have a beautiful girl, Natalia Faith.
We serve God as a family, and God is using me to write worship songs with my brother and bandmate, Daniel.
We released a worship song, Be Still, and the music video traces Daniel’s real-life story of how God transformed him from a drug addict to a man on fire for God.
When I look at my life, I’m in awe. The Joshua who once came to worship drunk is now being used by God to write worship songs for the Church.
While penning this article, the song Goodness of God played in my mind. I’ve known You as a Father, I’ve known You as a Friend – these two lines sum up my life. I’ve experienced God as a loving Father, and Jesus as a loving Friend.
I was a womaniser, addict and alcoholic
But God didn’t abandon me; He never let me go. He stood with me when the world mocked, judged and laughed at me, and ushered me into His loving arms.
To my fellow pastor’s kids, many will never understand our journey. But Jesus sees every pain and trouble that you’ve been through. He is the real deal.
Perhaps you’re trying to figure out how to reconnect with Jesus or overcome an addiction in your life. It all starts with a simple prayer.
There will be decisions, some easy and some hard, that you’ll have to make along the way to follow Jesus completely, but it’s completely worth it.
And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion on the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6
Will you give God a chance to help you as He did for me?
Joshua Devaratnam attends Kingdomcity KL and is a band member of The Living-Stones.
