Having received a few feedback regarding certain entries in our competition, we feel we need to clarify a few things:
- This competition is based on each writer’s individual experience and provided they can testify to them being genuine, we consider all testimonies valid and eligible for running. We hold to the guideline that each writer is entitled to their own opinions about their experiences, and in their expression of said opinions.
- Currently, this is still part of an ongoing competition. As such, the articles listed on this page are still under the prerogative of each writer and Asian Beacon will not meddle in any way with any content by any writer. If we ever publish any articles under the name of Asian Beacon, we will clearly state our stand on our statement of beliefs.
- This competition is judged purely on the writer’s testimonies and not on the finer points of theology. While the competition is still ongoing, in all cases, and in line with our respect for each writer’s individual testimonies, we adopt a ‘spirit rather than the letter of the law’ approach to each writer’s testimony.
- The Asian Beacon team will endeavour to its utmost to be fair to all participants, without any discrimination, prejudice, or favoritism to any single participant.
- In all cases, the Asian Beacon team will hold true to the conditions we have outlined in our Terms and Conditions for the competition. You may find these terms on https://asianbeacon.org/writing-competition/
Asian Beacon would like to reiterate here that we are all members of Bible-believing churches and we hold to the evangelical creed. We thank those of you who have raised your concerns and hope this will help answer your questions.
Lost in Murky Waters… Found on the Solid Rock
by MY Goh
Lost in the rat race, looking for love in all the wrong places, a prisoner of lust and new age movement. It was a long road of healing and peeling layers and layers of hurt, shame, guilt to recovery.
It was a time when I was living and working in Japan, trying to catch up with the rat race and finding the perfect love after my divorce. Jumping from one partner to another; the emptiness inside intensified with each partner. Lost in the world of lust, sex was my god. I was a slave to lust.
Looking for my identity in the ever-challenging world only made me even more empty inside. Being interested in the new age movement I dabbled into all sorts of spiritual endeavours like hypnotherapy and yoga. I was worshipping all kinds of gods which opened doors to spiritual oppression in my life.
In 2005, I went through a period of depression. I remember having suicidal thoughts of ramming my car into a wall repeatedly. Though I didn’t act upon it, but it was tormenting my mind. Few years down the road, I felt like I was still in the loop. Nothing much had changed in my mind. At the age of 35, I went through a mental breakdown. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder.
Given my breakdown, with great uncertainty, I was looking for answers. Why? Why did it happen to me? I was getting my life on track, so it seems. Being in the psychiatric ward was really a trying time for me. I saw no light in my darkness. My whole world crumbled. I was forced to return to Malaysia after 10 years in Japan.
I felt really isolated when I first came back to Malaysia. I felt totally unsettled. Life was hard for the first few months. I couldn’t let go of my dreams. I was not ready to be back in Malaysia. Dreams shattered, feeling totally hopeless; I was angry. Angry at myself. Feeling dazed and numb, slurred speech from all the medication I couldn’t feel a thing. I was like a zombie. One day my sister told me about my Christian aunt asking me if I wanted deliverance. Not knowing what it meant but one thing happened. I finally felt something in my heart tugging. Was it a sign?
I went for the deliverance still pretty clueless what it’s all about. That first day of deliverance I accepted the Lord as my personal Saviour. At that time, I needed to hold on to something for my sanity. Did I know what it meant to be saved and born again? Nope!
Got my Bible and spent months reading from Genesis to Revelation; stopping by Psalms more often. I remember God spoke to me through Psalms 51 which I hold dear to this day. “Create in me a clean heart,” it says. I needed that. “Blot out my transgressions,” it says. I also needed that. It continues to say, “Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.” Oh yes, I needed that, too.
After receiving Christ, I went through a period of guilt and shame thinking of my past. The horrid things I’ve done out of lust to myself and to others had made me feel much shame with guilt. As I sought God after I was saved, He continued to renew my mind and cleanse my heart from all the impurities of my past and perceptions.
Did I struggle and stumble from time to time? Yes. Did I have victories over sin? Yes. The Lord helped me forgive others and myself. I returned to Japan 6 months after my first breakdown as a new believer in Christ. I sought after the Lord daily and believed strongly that I didn’t need my medication anymore that God will deliver me. During those times I experienced spiritual attacks in my sleep. After 6 months of stopping my medication completely, I succumbed to my second breakdown where I was diagnosed with schizophrenia this time. I was filled with pride thinking I know the Lord. Boy was it all a lie. Satan is very crafty in deceiving believers.
As a believer who had to go through a breakdown recovery, I felt the difference. My first breakdown was very dark. But with this second, I had hope. I wasn’t in the dark place. Though there were still a lot of things I had to let go, I had hope. That was a game changer for me. I was reluctant to leave Japan so I returned to Malaysia with a heavy heart.
Why was I not contented? I wanted to be normal again and I wasn’t satisfied with the incomplete healing I had gotten. It was only after my second breakdown that I stopped the tug of war with God on the matter of taking my medication. Deep inside I was wondering why hasn’t God healed me? God really worked in me. It took me some years to come to a place of acceptance. I stopped asking God on why hasn’t He healed me. I focused on how much of good work He has done in me and the healing He has given me. God truly changed my heart through those years. God had actually healed my heart and my mind. I started embracing my new normal and peace came upon me in my heart.
Few months after my return, a door opened for me to work in a small school. During that time, I thought who would want to employ such a person like me who was mentally ill. But I thank God for His grace and favour.
Now that I look back, I remember vividly one night during my first breakdown in the psychiatric hospital I saw a demonic figure left my body. God delivered me from my spiritual oppression through the fervent prayers of my aunt and other believers. Both before and after my first breakdown, I could still remember the events leading to my salvation.
I recall when I was in Singapore doing my hypnotherapy course, two evangelists came up to me one day when I was on my way back. They gave me a brochure to a talk at their church which was about forgiveness. I didn’t go. Upon my return from Singapore to Japan I started doing self-hypnotherapy on myself a lot. It really distorted my reality.
I remember prior to my first breakdown; I had a vivid dream. I was on a very dusty road where I couldn’t see anything ahead of me. I was due to go for a yin and yang yoga teacher training course. I would have fallen deeper into spiritual oppression if not for my breakdown. I can’t help but marvel at God’s timing. I was blind to those cues till I was made to lose my mind to humble me because I was very prideful. This reminds me of the story of King Nebuchadnezzar.
God gave me strength to overcome my struggles by surrounding me with the support that I needed. I couldn’t have pulled through without the Lord by my side. It was really a blessing in disguise that upon my first return I didn’t need to be hospitalised. I don’t know how that would have been for me but I’m glad I had been given the opportunity to build a closer bond with my parents because it was a trying time to readjust living with my parents again after being alone for 10 years in a foreign land.
Being a schizophrenic, I lived in fear of the stigmatisation. Putting my life back together was a struggle but God gave me strength to persevere through it all. Days went to months and to years, God really have shifted my mind and cleansed my heart. Only the Lord can set me free from the chains of destruction and He did. What I once longed for no longer exist in my heart and mind. God changed the course of my life that is according to His will as He orchestrates my life. The Lord gave me peace for all the struggles I went through that needed to be purged from my heart. He gave me a new life with meaning and purpose.
Fast forward to now, though my walk with Him has faced some stumbling blocks, my faith in Him has not wavered. I still hold fast to my Saviour, my Lord of salvation. God has really done a good work in me. I’m not perfect but I’m a renewed person in Christ Jesus. He will never forsake those who seek Him with their whole heart. I am right where I should be right now and I’m contented. If God can turn someone like me around so can He with you. Praise and all glory to my mighty Saviour Lord Jesus Christ. As I embark my journey with Jesus, a new me is born.
